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Lived Experience

• Beholding
  I’ve read 4 chapters of my Christian book ‘Beholding‘. It was a struggle initially as the author kept trying to make the point that God and prayer shouldn’t be a transactional relationship. I had no issues with this as I’ve become less pleased with the greed of capitalism. I don’t like transactional relationships at all […]
• A Thank you Poem to my Twitter Friends
  Here is a a Thank You poem I wrote for Easter to my Twitter friends using ChatGPT (AI). Once more, I write with grateful heart,For followers who play their part.On Easter’s day, you’re my crew,With tweets that help me start anew. Promethazine, you recommend,And Star Trek episodes to mend.In times of crisis, dark and deep,Your […]
• Reflections on Anti-psychotics
  I was thinking what it’s like being on a high dose of anti-psychotics to a low dose/none. I am different between both. On a low dose I have a sense of adventure and push myself too hard. Sometimes I feel bulletproof and have to be careful of not pushing myself to crashing. On a higher […]
• A Poem about me
  A poem I wrote about me using ChatGPT (AI) In Southend-on-Sea, by the rolling tide,Lives a man named Shaun, with Star Trek pride.A collection vast, on shelves displayed, DVDs and Blu-rays, a media parade.Each Sunday morn, as bells do chime,He finds his peace, in sacred time.Communion bread, the wine so fine,A moment’s pause, divine and […]
• Typical Days
  I had a nice day today. Exactly what I needed. I went for a short walk and stayed alone at home. Watched Television, mainly dogs, The Simpsons and sometimes news on in background. I did reading of CS Lewis in Christianity. Will do some Bible reading shortly and prayers. That’s how most of my days […]
• The Rich and AI
  For a very long time the three factors of production in classical economics were Land or natural resources, Labour and Capital. Today the four factors for production in a modern economy are Land, Labour, Capital and Entrepreneurship. Marx had similar views to the classical economists. Since the late 20th Century much automation has removed the […]
• A Middle Class Closed Shop
  I was born in a Working Class family. My grandparents and parents were Working Class who lived in council houses before they bought him. Research of my family tree suggests many before me were brick layers and factory workers. When I was growing up it was clear to me as technology became more automated that […]
• My Prayer Life
  I had an atheist upbringing. Although my late Mother was brought up as Catholic she chose not to go to Church once she wasn’t forced to by her Mother. It’s not to say I knew nothing about religion, I did Religious studies at school and some of Mothers values passed down were Christian. It was […]
• Surviving
  [7 Part Twitter Thread] Surviving can be defined as continuing to live or exist in spite of (an accident or ordeal). As someone with a diagnosis of Autism and Schitzoaffective Disorder surviving is what I seem to excel at. It has taken me time but I have learnt to accept survival is the best I […]
• Worthy
  [6 Part Twitter Thread] A big part of my life was trying to be worthy. Today many in society measure worth in terms of how much money you have or what job title you have. I have had jobs in the past experiencing burnout and breakdown.As the occupation I was trained in become less accessible […]
• Mania and Hypomania
  Mania is a condition in which you have a period of abnormally elevated, extreme changes in your mood or emotions, energy level or activity level. Hypomania is milder form of Mania and may only last a few days. A feature of my Schizoaffective Disorder diagnosis that I have experienced is Mania and Hypomania. Sometimes the Mania […]
• Psychosis: A Heart Attack of the Mind
  Previously I wrote about Mindblindness and how it can lead to me experiencing paranoia. Some would argue that I am just experiencing mild psychosis or extreme anxiety. In any case, it is something I have to live with for a long time that has got worse over the years. Though it tends to affect me […]
• Heresy and Market Fundamentalism
  Heresy is a belief or opinion contrary to orthodox religious (usually Christian) doctrine. The Spanish Inquisition was about identifying a person believing in or practising religious heresy (e.g. not believing in the Catholic faith). Similar persecution occurred in the UK against Catholics that were not Protestant. Believing differently to the mainstream view of the present is always going […]
• I’m a Political Football
  As someone with a severe mental illness* and being Autistic I have increasingly realised how vulnerable I am. Not just due to the nature of my conditions that have social disadvantages from being not accepted and ostracised but also in relation to my lack of political power. Things like money, social status and memberships can […]
• Things Going Reasonably Well Considering
  Things in my life seem to be going reasonably at well at present compared to previous experiences in my life. I have a quiet and peaceful home after all. I am fortunate to live alone. Last year I was homeless for 4 and half months in a psychiatric hospital. Psychiatric hospitals have restrictions that make […]
• Some Improvement with Meds & Buddhism
  Things have been rather more difficult in the last few months. Though since I had my 4 weekly Paliperidone depot increased from 50mg to 75mg almost 3 weeks ago I have been feeling more calmer. I seem more at ease and less scared of the future. I do though still feel the future looks bleak. […]
• No Win Scenario
  If I could relive my life again I would love to be born from rich parents who loved me, who had loads of contacts and also were part of a Church family. Why? I wouldn’t be so much for the material things but in having opportunities I never had. People that have this can often […]
• Strange New Worlds: Spock Amok
  Continuing my viewing of #StarTrek #StrangeNewWorlds I watched ‘Spock Amok’. In this episode Spock’s mind meld with his wife goes wrong and they swap bodies. On a diplomatic mission Pike is trying to convince an alien race to become a member of the Federation. The prospective alien race for Federation membership appears to mirror the […]
• Star Trek Strange New Worlds: Pilot
  I’ve just popped my Blu-ray disc of #StarTrek Strange New Worlds Season 1 into the player. The menu has a beautiful soundtrack.I have seen a few episodes of this last summer when homeless in a hotel. I had a free trial of Paramount+ and watched a few episodes.Engage! Well the theme tune just made a […]
• Star Trek Voyager: Endgame
  I’m watching the #StarTrek Voyager series finale ‘Endgame’ tonight. It’s a good episode. I almost shed a tear to see Tuvok in a care home. Janeway was very kind to him when visiting. I imagine the Federation in the 24th century is more enlightened in care than today. It’s a funny premise of an episode. […]
• Star Trek Voyager: The Gift
  Continuing my #StarTrek Voyager rewatch I have finished ‘The Gift’. In this episode ‘7’ has to come to terms with leaving the Borg collective and has many operations to remove implants.Meanwhile Kes is evolving at the Quantum level (beyond our understanding) but is viewed as ill. 7 was assimilated by the Borg as a child […]
• Star Trek Voyager: Scorpion
  I’m watching the #StarTrek Voyager 2 part ep ‘Scorpion’.In this episode Voyager enters Borg space and discovers the Borg is at war with Species 8472. The Borg are losing the war as 8472 is advanced and can’t be assimilated.The Borg have to assimilate their enemies to defeat them. Voyager uses the Empirical scientific method to […]
• Star Trek Voyager: Worst Case Scenario
  The next #StarTrek Voyager episode I’ve watched is ‘Worst Case Scenario’. I’m not actually picking these episodes – they are all in order of my rewatch of Season 3. In this episode Torres discovers a Holonovel which simulates Chakotay and some members of the crew mutineering. Eventually many crew members decide to try the Holonovel […]
• Star Trek Voyager: Displaced
  I’ve watched the episode ‘Displaced’ from #StarTrek Voyager. In this episode the crew are slowly replaced by aliens and find themselves in a new habitat. Eventually all the crew are put in this new habitat. This new habitat the crew find themselves in is peaceful, beautiful, has food and Earths cultural database from their ship […]
• My Experiences and this Blog
  I don’t get much social contact these days. The service on Sundays at Church, my care coordinator every fortnight and you people on here. I really appreciate my interactions on here (Twitter) – so thank you. I don’t think I would cope with much of a social life anyway. I find people hard work these […]
• What is the point of me?
  A question I have often asked myself is what is the point of my life? It’s took me a long time to find an answer. Initially, I thought the point was to get an education. So I got a university education with a degree in Computer Science. I then thought it was to be a […]
• Not Living My Full Potential
  I am 39 years of age this year and as is true for many Autistic adults today I don’t feel I have lived my full potential. I don’t feel I am even living anything close to it now. My reasoning is well documented if you read many of my blogs together such as the Social […]
• Medication Side Effects
  I have been taking psychiatric medication since 2010. I was on anti-depressants until 2016 and have been on anti-psychotics since 2011. I took a break from all my medication except Lithium in 2016 for almost a year and managed to lose 35KG in weight. The anti-depressants I have tried are Escitalopram, Cymbalta, Desvenlafaxine, Mirtazapine and […]
• A Solitary Life
  My life is largely one of solitude. Solitude is is a state of seclusion or isolation, meaning lack of socialisation. I spend an hour and a half at Church every Sunday morning in worship and in the last month I begun volunteering in a homeless charity for 4 hours on a Tuesday. However, I usually […]
• Reflections on Last Year
  The last year has been a strange but also a humbling experience. Living homeless in a psychiatric ward for 4 and half months (although only sectioned for 6 weeks) meant I had few luxuries & privileges.I’m redefining luxuries here for many.Going out to the fountain to drink Pepsi in Basildon town centre was a luxury. […]
• Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Spiral Dynamics
  In this blog, I’m going to introduce Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Spiral Dynamics. I will briefly explain each of these psychological theories and how I use them to manage my Psycho-Social challenges that come with being Autistic. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a motivational theory in psychology comprising of 5 or 6 levels of […]
• Psych Memories: 2015
  This may contain upsetting content about suicide. Please don’t read this if you think it will trigger you. This is first of a series of blog posts I will write about my past in using mental health services. NHS mental health services have improved in some areas and got worse in other areas here. I […]
• Emergency Bag
  I have been in psychiatric hospitals many times in my life. At least once a year since 2010 but it has been known to happen several times in one year. My stay is usually between 2 to 6 weeks. Though sometimes it has been a week or for several months. Since my Mum and Stepdad […]
• Peace with Life
  I’ve been trying really hard in the last year to make peace with life and death. How I was treated homeless was a wake up call. Church, Baptism and volunteering at the homeless charity are all part of that. I’m convinced I could be eliminated by the state at some point. Whether that’s in a […]
• How I found Faith
  How if found my Christian Faith is a difficult question to answer. I don’t think I can completely explain it in a blog as I believe God has to seek us as well. Though I believe God’s invitation is initially open to everyone. There isn’t a 5 step programme in becoming Christian. Many Christians find […]
• Stigma and Loneliness
  As someone who is Autistic and diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder the challenges of stigma and loneliness are something I share in common with others with psychiatric conditions. I use the term Autistic – it’s more to me than just a psychiatric condition. My experience maybe more or less severe than others. I had 12 rounds […]
• Staying Well
  I have been diagnosed with Autism and Schizoaffective Disorder so staying well is my main priority. I tend to follow set routines and habits as it’s what I prefer from being Autistic and it also regulates my mood. I have had a history of depression and mania so ensuring I don’t get too upset or […]
• Addictions, Dependencies and Vices
  I think virtually everyone has at least an addiction, dependency or vice. As an undiagnosed Autistic child I liked to consistently eat and drink the same things. I think my Mother noticed this so I was made to drank Orange squash and Tea. She kept me away from sweets and fizzy drinks. I still eat […]
• Baptised Today
  I thought I would share this in case any other Autistic person decides they want to go to Church and perhaps eventually be Baptised like I was today. I was anxious and it’s been a journey getting here. I am 38 so it’s never too late. I have had a wonderful day. I’m very proud […]
• The Lord’s Supper
  Over the last 13 years I have been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for all kinds of reasons. What often helped get me better was the consistency of hospital. I could always count on supper in the evening. Supper usually occurs at around 8pm. The NHS has little funds or staff at this time […]
• A Student of Life
  In this thread I will attempt to describe a very simple summary of my understanding of life and how it changed during my #ActuallyAutistic #Mentalillness journey. It’s not complete as I would probably need a book to do that.Though knowledge of major influences may be of interest. As an undiagnosed Autistic young man I often […]
• Simple Living
  I think the happiest time in my life was when I was in my 3rd year of university. Although I was deeply worried about the big wide world when I expected to graduate. I didn’t have much money and lived a humble life. I lived in a room with an ensuite shower. I had one […]
• All things are possible
  Many years ago I used to feel incredibly lonely. Even when I had a partner in 2011 I felt alone. Eventually my partner had enough of me and I came back to England. Although my mother was alive.I still felt alone and wanted to die. In 2015 I had ECT after my final suicide attempt. […]
• A Strong Person
  I like to think I’m a strong person. I believe a lot of people would be trying to kill themselves in my situation. I haven’t attempted suicide since 2015. The key to my survival is appreciating simply things. I reckon I could even work a routine out with the Bible and a tent. I think […]
• Psychosis 2023
  I recently had an episode of psychosis that hospitalised me once again. I’ve titled this post as ‘Psychosis 2023’ as I have had an episode of psychosis every year since 2017 with the exception of 2018. Unfortunately in 2017 I had 3 episodes and 3 hospitalisations over a period of 3 months. The episodes are […]
• DIM US Framework
  I was feeling traumatised this morning and needed an outlet for my experiences. So I have created my alternative “Recovery in the Bin” inspired framework that attempts to mirror the realities compared to the CHIME Framework for personal recovery. I call it the ‘DIM US’ framework #RITB. I think the CHIME framework is a nice […]
• Scanning Photos
  I began scanning my photos (mostly childhood). There isn’t that much once I took them out of there tired old and very spacious books. Lot of rubbish ones. I’ll keep everything digitally. Then I will keep the ones I like. I’m going to print some of the ones I have digitally from teenage years to […]
• Easter
  My Easter was simple as usual. I was alone. In the past I would often go to my late Mothers who would make a nice three course meal with Roast dinner. This year I made some effort by making my own three course meal. I had tomato soup, a microwavable roast dinner and some chocolate […]
• Wobble
  I had a wobble earlier this week when I had feelings of wanting to die. I think the news was upsetting me and made me think of a dark future. I have started using an app that limits my use of reading the news (it blocks UK news sites) and stops me using social media. […]
• Home Away From People
  I wouldn’t say I have ever been a people person. Sometimes I have done better when I am desperate to please people. I don’t feel the need to please people anymore. I have no ambitions and I accept the faulty individual I am. It’s fair to say I have less tolerance for people these days. […]
• Basildon Day Trip
  It was strange going into Basildon Town centre today as I saw the fountain where I used to sit when I got leave from hospital. It felt different this time because I’m in a better place now. It meant so much to me that fountain. Now I feel I have started early retirement. Society is […]
• Doing Better
  I feel more relaxed in my home now, especially as Spring is beginning. I am looking forward to the summer. When I moved in September I needed to get a lot of things in order to make this place my home. Many days it was overwhelming as I had no support. I shared this journey […]
• Tired of Sociatial Pressure
  I find now being on the Paliperidone depot I have less bandwidth to do things. Doing the domestic chores and a walk is close to my limit. In 2019 I was on a low dose of quetiapine but could do more like run marathons. I feel happier now and can settle on this – if […]
• Grateful Of Home
  These days I feel very grateful living alone in my flat. I experience a lot of peace and quiet. Something I didn’t get when I was homeless in hospital for 4.5 months hospital and then a hotel for 6 weeks. At the moment I just feel I want to hide away from people. I don’t […]
• Life Thoughts
  I find these days I’m a lot more at peace with my life. I feel like I have got a lot of my answers philosophically and spiritually. I feel I have lived. These days I’m just focused on staying well and avoiding triggers. I’m hopeful there is a heaven where I can meet my relatives. […]
• 1 Year Anniversary
  It was actually this time last year I was sectioned into a psychiatric hospital. The Ukraine war had really scared me and I started watching BBC News too much. I couldn’t sleep so was going into the lounge to watch more News. My drop in concentration meant I missed my medication. I believe coming off […]
• Grateful But Fearful
  I spent so much time last year homeless, dreaming of a future where I would have use of my own kitchen and bathroom. Having a bedroom where I could chill out with Star Trek. I sit here now happily with a cup of tea listening to white noise from the Enterprise appreciating this. This Spring/Summer […]
• Suicidal Urges
  I don’t know if other people get suicidal thoughts much.Though sometimes I get the thought to end it. Like this evening I have the thought of just picking up my rope, making a hangman noose and ending it.I won’t tonight. Having it all there just gives me peace. As I can move on. I am […]
• Lithium Reduced
  As permitted by the psychiatrist I lowered my Lithium dose from 1000mg to 800mg on Monday night. I think I am seeing a benefit. I feel less worn out in the morning. I seem to have got into Aldi earlier than usual this week. My motivation is low which I think is partly due to […]
• Taking Medication
  Alexa has reminded me to refill my nightly weekly pillbox. Seems I will be out of 1000mg Lithium on Sunday. So will start 800mg of Lithium Monday. I’m hopeing I will have more spoons to do things. I’m not necessarily convinced the medication helps as much as it hinders. My mind is too dependant to […]
• Gratitude and Sadness
  One thing I have to remind myself is I am free from not making money. Money to me is much like Star Trek in it’s use of basic accounting for resources. Most people aren’t free from that and are fully engrossed in the Neoliberal World Order. I really appreciate having a home and had the […]
• Reflections
  I have lurched from uncertainty to crisis in my life. Many identities have been assigned to me by others and by myself. Like the circles here. There was a force like gravity at my core that kept it all together. That core light was revealed to me in my most darkest moments. I never grew […]
• My Search for acceptance
  I’m possible. A Venn diagram of the barriers I face in meeting people that will accept me.
• My Diagnosis
  I was formally assessed and diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in 2019. Usually when I’ve been in a psychiatric hospital I’m treated as a patient with diagnosed Schizoaffective disorder that occurred in 2012. Although I have been sectioned 5 times since my ASD diagnosis it was only in my last admission in 2022 that […]
• Pressure to Conform
  I think there is a huge pressure to conform. Even among members of marginalised groups. I’m incapable of conforming except from my own rational reason or due to capitulating from oppressive state violence. It’s probably one reason why I am alone. That’s not to say I can’t be respectful. If I understand the logic of […]
• My Dark Matter Problem
  I’m aware many Autistic people don’t believe in the Theory of Mind deficits and I respect that.I’m not so sure.I don’t believe I have a theory of mind at all. Perhaps that’s not due to autism but something else. I for a number of years have described it as my dark matter problem. Dark matter […]
• Not a People Person
  I’m come to the conclusion I am not a people person but I value the importance of sharing, community and helping each other.Going to Church was a sea change for me last year but I felt it was important to me to have a link with a church given that I believe in Christ’s teachings. […]
• SodaStream Joy
  One of the things that gives me so much Autistic joy is my SodaStream. A SodaStream machine contains a gas cylinder of carbon dioxide that you apply to water. You then add a syrup (flavour) to the fizzy water. I enjoy making them and I like the bubbles. I often make 1 bottle (1 litre […]
• Not Optimistic About New year
  I can’t say I feel optimistic about a happy new year. I’m amazed I’m actually seeing the new year without being homeless. It went on for too long. I guess after this year I’m dreading what next year has in store for me. I have been very badly beaten down emotionally this year. Spending 4.5 […]
• Lower Class Judgements
  People in Britain seem to always have a very tough attitude against the lower classes and people on low incomes. Seem to always have the right answers from high above. Yet many I don’t think could handle the tough measures they dish out. From famous people, politicians, media people, academics, and doctors. You often find […]
• Incorrect Social Moves
  I’ve noticed more since my autism diagnosis that I don’t fit in. It’s very obvious to me now I’m not displaying the right social moves to be accepted. More than I realise. I think it takes people time to accept me. Like I think in my church they seem to be warming to me. One […]
• Bad Memory
  Sometimes I have bad memories that come to the surface. Today I was thinking of the time I passed out outside my front door at my former home. Neighbour called an ambulance who took me to hospital without my shoes, wallet and mobile phone. When I came to in hospital I don’t remember much. I […]
• Autistic Leper
  I have an interesting interplay that goes on in Church. I often explain myself to members by saying I’m Autistic. Whether that’s to reason why I don’t work or how I came to Church this year by reading the Bible in a psychiatric hospital. One has said to me they don’t use labels and another […]