I had a nice day today. Exactly what I needed. I went for a short walk and stayed alone at home. Watched Television, mainly dogs, The Simpsons and sometimes news on in background. I did reading of CS Lewis in Christianity. Will do some Bible reading shortly and prayers.
That’s how most of my days go with the exception of my home chores and some Star Trek which I’m trying to take a break from. I imagine many people would get very depressed with this kind of isolation but I cope ok. I think my autism means I need plenty of time alone.
However I find with my Schitzoaffective Disorder and Autism I find the world excluding. Society is obsessed with full time work, status and money. Too much productivity and efficiency means I don’t feel I can get a look in.
I find my options too narrow and my condition limits me as well. Many people don’t want to know me because I lack status. I think many people would prefer people like me to disappear or be dead. So I find it best to stay at home. I appreciate my home, own company and God.
I think if too much pressure was applied to me I would choose to live outdoors. I don’t think it would be pleasant but finding quiet moments alone in a park would be so good for me. They are heavenly moments to me. I don’t believe God cares about money or status for people.
I don’t know what the kingdom of God (heaven) will be like. I think God will judge if I am good and then decide what happens next. I don’t think God will be an accountant on goodness. God will feel my heart for goodness. Such belief means I’m more satisfied with survival.
Often I’m less bothered with living longer or shorter. I just want to get by with how things are now. My life has been difficult at times though I try to see it as temporary to the eternal life that awaits me in heaven.
Sometimes it does feel like I’m in a separate universe to most people. It’s like my life is a ship in a bottle. Yet I have learnt to appreciate the magnificence of the bottle I am in. Sometimes it gets frustrating but I pity the capitalist/class Matrix everyone else is in.