Hospital Hell

When I was in hospital for 4 and a half months homeless (my section ended after 6 weeks). I was triggered an awful number of times. Sometimes it was the other patients who were struggling and were triggered. Most of the times it was the staff who triggered me.

A large part of my triggers was the systemic problem of the compulsory daily procedures in the hospital and lack of working staff members. Every time I wanted to shave or cut nails I needed supervision. I needed staff to charge my phone, get towels and use the laundry.

When I got leave I could only go out if staff had the time to do the paperwork and let me out. It could be very hard to get a member of staff to help me with all of this. Sometimes staff would play games with me. Like swapping my charging cable for a faulty one.

Serving everyone a meal before me. Others take precedence over me despite me waiting longer. The night staff liked to say they were busy but watch TV or chat in the office. Only one got to know me reasonably well. It was all very arms length treatment.

I had a few staff try to trigger me with provoking and harsh comments. Sometimes I did meltdown. I would smack my head against the wall. Another time I urinated at the door of the MDT room where they meet. There were other things that happened too.

It reminded me of Jesus’ persecution. He was tempted by the devil after 40 days and nights of fasting in the Judaean Desert. Satan came to Jesus and tried to tempt him. Jesus having refused each temptation, Satan then departed and Jesus returned to Galilee to begin his ministry.

I could easily had “kicked off” as they call it. I could of assaulted the staff and engaged in self harm. It did often feel like they wanted me to burn in hell in there. I think a lot of “sane” people would have lost it. I was under immense pressure. In the end my faith saved me.