Suicide Attempt and Med Changes

In early September we had a heatwave in Southend-on-Sea, England. I live in a upper level flat surrounded by flats next to me, above me and below me. The back of my flat is sealed by a bathroom and kitchen. It stays lovely and warm in winter but as I discovered in this first summer it gets extremely hot.

By September I was at the end of my tether with the heat. It was again 28c in my flat all day and night for days. I ended up resorting to putting a bag of frozen vegetables on my body. I had become very agitated.

Agitation is a feature of autism and can be of the medication I take. Though the medication can also be helpful in reducing agitation as the Palliperidone in all purposes is a tranquilliser. I also take Lithium which is supposed to help stabilise your mood and reduce suicide.

I very quickly had enough and wanted to die. As well as the heat I think it was a accumulation of things that have happened to me like being in psychiatric hospitals a lot and being dehumanised by people. The Neoliberal attitudes towards disabled people and the barriers seem to me to be getting a lot worse. I don’t really care too much if I die. I feel I have lived as best I can and feel my best years are behind me. I believe I will go to heaven.

I tried hanging myself with a rope in my bathroom. I couldn’t get the height to suspend myself. I tried chocking myself several times with the rope hooked up to the shower screen. I couldn’t seem to complete it as the natural reaction in the body is to stop when being chocked.

I made the mistake of sharing that I was going to kill myself on social media. Someone called an ambulance. I had to let them in as I knew they would break my door down if I didn’t open the door. The police did attend but didn’t come inside. I decided not to co-operate with the ambulance team. Eventually they took the rope and left me. I have since bought a new rope (it gives me comfort).

I saw the Consultant Psychiatrist last week and my Palliperiodone 4 weekly injection is going to be increased from 50mg to 75mg. I don’t know if that will help. It may reduce the agitation. It has got cooler recently and I am feeling better.

I live a very isolated life and its difficult to connect with people. I find many people interact with me at arms length and superficially. I have blogged before about the atomised society we live in, stigma and loneliness and exclusion in practise. I am proud that I am genuine and authentic.