Mania is a condition in which you have a period of abnormally elevated, extreme changes in your mood or emotions, energy level or activity level. Hypomania is milder form of Mania and may only last a few days.
A feature of my Schizoaffective Disorder diagnosis that I have experienced is Mania and Hypomania. Sometimes the Mania has led me to a episode of psychosis, other times I have had psychosis and the lack of sleep plus sheer terror of it all has led to some Hypomania.
Mania feels like bliss. When I have been manic I have mostly felt happy and confident. Mania makes me feel powerful (sometimes I have felt like a Marvel character!). It is like being drunk without the side effects of blurred vision and unsteadiness. It can for me also lead to agitation. I particularly get more agitated with other people. People seem slow and miserable.
Mania leads me to become obsessive and highly productive in a particular interest. Like most Autistic people I have special interests that I have intense focus on. Between 2017-19 my special interest was Running. The interest became very intense where I would run 4 to 5 times a week. I ended up completing 3 Marathon races in 2019. The Running though helped exhaust the agitation (a feature of autism as well) and it prevented the medication I took from making me gain weight. What I discovered with the Running was that it gave me a high which had the feedback loop of making me more hypomanic or manic at times.
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The COVID pandemic and subsequent sections in psychiatric hospitals led to my medication doses being changed. I lost interest in Running and felt too sedated to Run.
Since I have been on a depot injection of Paliperidone from April 2022 I haven’t experienced Mania like before. When I had a brief episode of acute Psychosis in May 2023, I seemed to hear a voice (like telekinesis) and was delusional. I was somewhat energised by the fear and panic of it all. I haven’t though been hugely productive or obsessed with anything and been on the more depressive side. I seem more equipped to deal with the down moods than I was before the ECT for depression in 2015. This year I was baptised. Acknowledging my thankfulness and gratitude to God in daily prayer, like declaring all the things (e.g. a home) I am thankful for seem to put things into perspective. I have also been more prudent with money in the last year.
I have to say I do miss the Mania but not the consequences of Mania. Experiencing joy and happiness are wonderful feelings but not necessarily helpful when it’s not realistic. I feel a lot of wellbeing when I am productive on a project but the obsessiveness causes me much agitation and consequences to the rest of my life. When I was Running and working on my App I wasn’t taking care of myself. Excluding the issues around money I didn’t invest in self-care. My home was often dirty, the kitchen and bathroom were a mess and I wasn’t keeping up the washing of bedding and towels. Washing up, cleaning and hygiene always took a back seat. When I was studying a PGCert in Mental Health Recovery from the University of Hertfordshire in 2019-20 at home sometimes I wouldn’t sleep for 2 or more days to write my essays.
These days I am more sedated and lethargic from my medication. Especially in the mornings. I prioritise my health and my home first. My home for the most part is clean and tidy. It is a sanctuary. I keep a record of my cleaning in my calendar so I can remember to maintain the home regularly. It has became a ritual to wash my bedding and towels each week. I recently bought a counter top dishwasher to help me keep my kitchen clean. I am going to my first dentist appointment today in years. I have even managed to save a little because I am much better with money. I don’t have the bandwidth for special projects at present, though this blog which is therapeutic, has evolved into a continuing interest of mine.
I could very easily stop the medication and be more functional at a pursuit that holds my interest. If I become obsessed with it then I will become highly productive in it. I have had previous jobs when that has been the case and been greatly rewarded for it. In the end I just burn out and breakdown. If not experiencing an episode of psychosis before I burn out.
I think its really hard being me. I wouldn’t wish these kinds of challenges on anyone else. Most people don’t understand. I realise now I have to be a lot more careful and measured before deciding what I do in life. Stability is very important to me and something I now greatly value. I just hope the future doesn’t lead to the rug under my feet being pulled.