Mindblindness is the inability to attribute mental states such as thoughts, desires, knowledge, and intentions to self and others, and to make sense of and predict another person’s behaviour.
I believe I am partially mind blind. Mind blind is a theory that Autistic people lack or have a developmental delay in Theory of Mind. I have blogged about My Dark Matter Problem before in relation to Theory of Mind. I believe it is my greatest deficit when around people. Some Autistic people don’t believe in Theory of Mind though I wonder if it’s because they are less severely affected by this disability. In any case, it’s fair to say it’s not a concrete science but then nothing really is when it concerns the mind. Good arguments can be made for and against the existence of mindblindness.
I find meeting new people as one of the hardest things to do. If I am among a group of people that I don’t know. I can’t seem to strike up conversation. I can’t read their eyes, facial expressions or body language that well. I can’t predict if people want to talk to me or don’t want to talk to me. I emote quite neutrally and it’s difficult to appear authentic without worrying I am making other people uncomfortable. The social world often feels confusing, sometimes frightening so I will often appear to socially withdraw. It can be very intense feeling for me. I feel like a fish out of water.
Once I’m sitting down with someone with a drink I tend to relax more. I am able to build dialogue or a relationship with them if I can get to know them. Once I know someone I can model to a limited extent what they are like in my mind. I’m then more aware whats appropriate and not what’s appropriate to talk about. I have found Church helpful in talking to people as I roughly know where the spectrum of peoples core beliefs are likely to lay. Likewise if I was to visit a Jewish community I would have some idea of the spectrum there. Having been in the mental health system for a number of years I can often better relate to people with Mental illness and Autism too. When it comes to dealing with the general public I don’t tend to perform that well.
The mindblindness makes my anxiety worst. If I can’t seem to read a social situation I can say things that appear insensitive or even rude. I don’t set out to upset people but I can inevitably do so because I missed something when I am listening and reading the conversation. My anxiety means I’m usually trying to be careful with my words. Being too careful with my words undoubtedly makes some people believe I am not being authentic or genuine. Likewise, I have found the reverse when I have been too carefree. I’m not terrific with my voice tone unless I am reading a script. People have sometimes interpreted my tone as aggressive or lacking empathy. Therefore I do get anxious I’m not fitting in and behaving appropriately.
I believe the mindblindness and anxiety contributes in causing me to become paranoid. My mind will try to convince me that people don’t like me, were implying negative things I didn’t pick up, people are talking about me and even that people were laughing at me. This makes a group social situation more distressing for me. So having someone to talk to on a one-to-one basis on a table helps me be focus and be mindful of that person.
Another issue I have with Autism is sound sensitivity also known as hyperacusis. I struggle with loud noises but I have learnt to tolerate them for a limited duration. When I am manic, an aspect of my Schizoaffective disorder diagnosis, I tend to be less concerned with noise as my mind and body feel much more powerful. I have above average hearing according to a test I had in 2020. So I will tend to hear everyones conversation in busy social environments which can be distressing. Trying to filter and maintain focus on a one-to-one basis can be challenging. Noise is something I have to just suffer.
After being in a busy social environment I need quiet time alone. Yesterday, I went to two Church services. One in the morning and one in the evening. Today I feel mentally exhausted from it. So I’m isolating at home watching Star Trek and doing some colouring in my Star Trek colouring book.
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These time outs are very important to me. If I had social situations like the Church every day, I would burn out from stress and become less mentally stable. I have tried to be more resilient and sometimes I have had periods when I have been more capable to handle it than other times. My life is littered with burn outs and having to quit commitments because I went beyond my limits.
I hope writing about my experience gives you insight in how it affects me and other people with autism and/or mental illness you encounter. It has took me many years to understand it and I hope this blog helps lead to greater understanding.
For further reading, it may be worthwhile reading about The Double Empathy Problem.