I recently had an episode of psychosis that hospitalised me once again. I’ve titled this post as ‘Psychosis 2023’ as I have had an episode of psychosis every year since 2017 with the exception of 2018. Unfortunately in 2017 I had 3 episodes and 3 hospitalisations over a period of 3 months. The episodes are usually frightening and this most recent one was probably the 2nd worst one I have had.
The positive result though is I appear to have recovered much quickly despite the severity. I think having a copy of the Bible in hospital to read, not having any medication changes and someone doing my meals helped lots. I pretty much just read the bible, eat and slept over several days. Then I got more well. Plus not being sectioned meant it was easier to leave without much friction.
Below are some tweets I made after the episode occured:
In the initial tweet below I said the psychosis was going on over 3 weeks. I think it was really 1 to 2 weeks. I was losing track of the days and time so even after being better in hospital for a few days I was confused. Psychosis occupies so much of the mind it’s easy to lose touch with reality including the passage of time.
May 9th 2023
Hi everyone. Just want everyone to know I’m safe. I’m in basildon mental health unit. About 2-3 weeks ago I heard voices which seemed like telepathy from the DWP Harry potter division. They told me to kill myself. I refused to kill myself. I wasn’t getting any sleep.
It was very frightening. I tried to ignore them and ended up going to Southend hospital twice as had pains in my heart. I ended up assaulting a police officer to reset the matrix. I then had my legs and hands handcuffed on a bed in southend hospital.
I thought was going to be beaten to death and die. Eventually I slept in Southend and was taken to basildon. The voices stopped 2 days ago. It’s been a very frightening 3 weeks. I have lost my phone but my travel suitcase is with me and my old Amazon fire tablet.
The ward staff have been very good to me. I managed to order a bible in on my tablet and have been reading it. I have been using the daily prayer service on the church of England websites for last 2 days.Hopefully things will improve soon.I feel more grounded.All the best, Shaun.
May 11th 2023
I think what surprised me from this episode was how desperate I wanted to live and feared dieing. The voice kept pressuring me to kill myself and I kept refusing. It said this is how it works and the DWP don’t pay out forever. It said this is how it works.
Once I got pains in my heart I walked to Southend A&E and they gave me an ECG. I was told to wait but no one called me. I then went to receptionist and was robbed off. The voice told me the NHS know I’m supposed to die so no one will help. I went back home.
The voice kept bullying me to kill myself. It said it would give me a heart attack if I didn’t kill myself. I tried to negotiate by saying I would be willing to be institutionalised if it saved money and I wouldn’t die. Eventually I dialled 999 for an ambulance about my heart.
I was told it would be a wait. After more hours of bullying I phoned 111 and was honest about the voices. I spoke to many people and one man particular was kind. He said someone would come in the morning to take me to hospital. I eventually hung up because I had enough talking.
Eventually the ambulance workers for my heart turned up and took an ECG at home. At that point I thought I was an angel sent by God to save people from the Matrix. God was unhappy I don’t complain and fight back. I was told I maybe left their as a form of punishment for me.
The ambulance took me back to Southend hospital again. I felt fobbed off again. They took another ECG and blood.It was late in the night and early morning.I then heard my mum’s voice telling me how misguided their matrix procedures are.
I was told by my Dad who did cohersive control of my mum really run the world. I was told God wasn’t just the father, but was the Mother in heaven as well. The Mother and my Mum were teaming up to force me to man up against the matrix.
I then tried to leave Southend hospital. The staff wouldn’t let me leave and a bullying security guard was getting in my way to leave. I forced my way past him and ditched my phone. I walked home.
I got home. Made some jam on toast and said the Lords prayer but used “Our mother in heaven..” Instead. I fell asleep and was woke up in the morning by the doorbell. I was confused that it was a police officer. The police told me to take my travel case by the door and my keys.
I arrived in the hospital in my pyjamas with the police officer. The voice told me to punch the officer to change the matrix as I never fight back. I then was restrained and transferred to basildon hospital.
The DWP voice said to me at basildon mental health unit that I made a big mistake not killing myself and one of the night staff would strangle me to death during the night. I slept in fear. The voice changed to a member of the Kings staff during the coronation.
Eventually I realised the voice in my head was different factions. The kings staff said this was very expensive intervention and that I needed to get a job to be worthwhile. I explained I wasn’t capable. Eventually it was agreed I come up with ideas to turn the BBC into a coop.
Eventually after much looking after in the hospital and good sleep. The voices faded and I realised it was a delusion. They are gone now. I feel much better now.
My ongoing theory during this episode was a microchip was implanted in my head during the time I was sedated for ECT in 2015. I was unusual to communicate back with the chip (voice) in my head. The conspiracy expanded that everyone has a chip in their neck and were programmed.
I think part of my issue is i have often been dealt with people who use the broken record treatment in organisations like the NHS and DWP. I felt dehumanised. Thus my psychosis manifested that way. No genuine relationships makes this harder.
May 11th 2023 – 2nd Thread
Retweet of previous thread with this comment:
In this thread I described how I ended up in a psychiatric hospital with psychosis. The truth is I thought I was hearing voices from the DWP a week or more upto being hospitalised. During this period I was having difficulty keeping up my chores.
On bank holiday monday the 1st may I didn’t know it was bank holiday. The voice instructed me to go to Southend seafront which I hadn’t been to a long time since I used to run marathons. I was confused by their being lots of people. I usually avoid going out to crowds.
I saw lots of runners. I guess it’s running season but started to think people were remembering me from running in the matrix. I saw a Ferris wheel that wasn’t there before. It seemed like another adjustment in the matrix. I had breakfast in a cafe and depersonalised.
The next day the voice continued to bully me and in the morning I was instructed to visit Southend town. I visited the shops and looked at much of the clothes and saw we lived in a 1984 world. I could see how phony the inflation busting prices were.
I went to HMV, bought a superman blu ray then immediately binned it but separated it into recycling outside. The voice instructed me to lay hilled park opposite the Ferris wheel. I was told lay in the a grass like a lion. It was a sunny day.
A young man of a group of men asked why I was laying in the long grass like that. I told him I was homeless. He took the piss and was insulted by my answer. Their body language was threatening as I don’t think they liked I answered back.I think eventually they realised I was mad.
The voice told me this is what true homeless is like. You live off the land and that I had it within me to survive if this was to happen to me. My greatest fear. The voice encouraged me to eat grass so I did. It wasn’t that bad. The voice told me to climb a tree so I did.
The voice told me to gather long thick leaves and wrap them in knots to create a fire. I gathered lots of leaves and went next to a tree like on guard like I was rambo. I saw a large branch and I’ll it off a free after much struggle. People gave me off looks but avoided me.
The large branch I had pulled off the tree was as big as a cane. The sun had just set and it was dark. I was not afraid. I expected the police to come and shoot me. No one came. I say down with the cane and thought of Moses. I then thought I did the baptism of fire on myself.
I walked home and was very tired. I got enough provisions from Tesco express to last me more days from the voice I was hearing. The next few days I was bullied my the voice but tried to eat like I was doing a marathon as well as washing to keep things ticking over.
Eventually I ended up in hospital as described in the original tweet I retweeted. The experience with the cane and thoughts of Moses felt like a spiritual experience to me and not psychosis. It felt like God was with me in that suffering.
14 May 2023
I guess this apology is more for me then them but feels the right thing to do.