Many years ago I used to feel incredibly lonely. Even when I had a partner in 2011 I felt alone. Eventually my partner had enough of me and I came back to England. Although my mother was alive.I still felt alone and wanted to die. In 2015 I had ECT after my final suicide attempt.
After my ECT I had a lot of fight in me. I declared war on depression and started by running and losing weight. I lost over 5 stone. I got part time jobs in supermarkets which I lost in relapses to psychosis. The truth was I wasn’t suited to that environment anyway.
In 2016 my mother died from cancer and my stepdad died similarly in 2019. By then I was truly alone but began dating my boyfriend (bf).By then the ‘fight’ fizzled and became more of one of simply surviving as best I can.The relationship with my bf didn’t last and I was homeless.
Now I am completely alone. There is no one. Though I’m very comfortable with it. I feel I spend a lot of my time with God. I read the Bible and many works inspired by this book and God. I pray and talk to God or myself often. I look forward to Church on Sunday.
I don’t feel the need to end my life. I have had moments of self harm of strangulation but they are very temporary and rare. I feel more excluded than alone. So I don’t blame myself. I don’t blame anyone else as it’s a systemic and cultural issue. I do pray for a better world.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.1 Corinthians 13