All things are possible

Many years ago I used to feel incredibly lonely. Even when I had a partner in 2011 I felt alone. Eventually my partner had enough of me and I came back to England. Although my mother was alive.I still felt alone and wanted to die. In 2015 I had ECT after my final suicide attempt.

After my ECT I had a lot of fight in me. I declared war on depression and started by running and losing weight. I lost over 5 stone. I got part time jobs in supermarkets which I lost in relapses to psychosis. The truth was I wasn’t suited to that environment anyway.

In 2016 my mother died from cancer and my stepdad died similarly in 2019. By then I was truly alone but began dating my boyfriend (bf).By then the ‘fight’ fizzled and became more of one of simply surviving as best I can.The relationship with my bf didn’t last and I was homeless.

Now I am completely alone. There is no one. Though I’m very comfortable with it. I feel I spend a lot of my time with God. I read the Bible and many works inspired by this book and God. I pray and talk to God or myself often. I look forward to Church on Sunday.

I don’t feel the need to end my life. I have had moments of self harm of strangulation but they are very temporary and rare. I feel more excluded than alone. So I don’t blame myself. I don’t blame anyone else as it’s a systemic and cultural issue. I do pray for a better world.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13