A question I have often asked myself is what is the point of my life? It’s took me a long time to find an answer. Initially, I thought the point was to get an education. So I got a university education with a degree in Computer Science. I then thought it was to be a programmer, work hard and enjoy life. I tried to enjoy life, even changing my country before returning to the UK but that didn’t seem to satisfy me either.
I experienced much depression and numerous breakdowns. My new mission in life became to ‘Recover’. I began much research and self study to understand what ‘Recovery’ was supposed to be. I even went back to university (online) in 2019 and completed a Postgraduate Certificate in Mental Health recovery to try to understand. I soon found I was caught into academic philosophical debates as to what is the meaning of life and why I am so different.
Eventually I started reaching out for a faith and a God. I did some research on spirituality including Islam, Buddhism and Christianity. Christ captivated me and I began to explore the teachings of the Bible from a range of sources. I even had some spiritual experiences. I soon decided I was a believer and follower of Christ.
In more recent times, I have developed the habit of attending Church every Sunday, participating in Communion and even being baptised in May 2023. Most evenings I will read a few chapters of the Bible followed by prayer. Sometimes I will even do my own form of the Eucharist at home by using Jam and Toast to represent the blood and body of Christ in remembrance of him before prayer.
Can I now answer the question of what is the point of me? Well I can answer it better than in 2015 when I had 12 rounds of ECT for suicidal depression. To me it’s quite simple. The main point of me is to worship and love God. The second is to love others like I love myself. Those were Jesus’ commandments. The truth is I don’t always feel that every day. Though after some searching I usually end up back to those commandments of Jesus.
My Mum died in 2016 followed by my stepdad in 2019. I’m alone now and it can be very hard. I have difficulties interacting and experiencing the world that I can only understand to be due to what we call autism. I’m also on medications that are disabling but are supposed to minimise the mental distress I experience and help unlock additional financial support from the state. We seem to live in a society that values the trinity of wealth, power and achievement (see image above) more than almost anything else. I can’t fully participate in this society due to my differences and am often judged by how I perform to this trinity. It’s very easy to be deceived by it when it is so pervasive.
The Holy Trinity is my Shield of the Faith in a mad world. Though I accept to most people I’m considered the ‘mad’ one. Neither side can prove it or disprove it. I look forward to meeting God and being reunited with the ones I have lost in his kingdom one day. You can read more about How I found Faith here.