Make yourself useful

I got talking to someone I’ve spoken to before at Church this morning. Then walking home I got so worked up from it that for 3 seconds I wanted to lay down in the busy main road running beside me.

So it was a polite conversation. The person asked what I had planned for the week. I just said maintaining the home and maybe some jigsaw puzzle – staying well. We talked about jigsaw puzzles. The person then was suggesting I volunteer for a food bank.

I explained I don’t feel up-to much with the medication I’m on. It took half hour for the light that comes on with my alarm to get me going this morning. I explained how people are drugged up in hospital and let go to fend for themselves.

The person was then suggesting other things to volunteer. I said I use to do programming but there isn’t that kind of roles out there. I explained I’m not really good with people but I might try more if I didn’t feel so worn out.

I said I do better with things I am passionate about like the mental illness group I ran before the pandemic. I was asked what I’m passionate about and I said “a fairer social contract for autistic people”.

In the end the conversation ended but I got worked up by it walking home.I don’t think the person meant harm. I get very upset that people seemed to often be looking for work for me.I have spent many years forcing myself to do things that make me unwell. I’m not going to do that.

I feel a lot better now I am home. It’s very hard to connect with people when the ideology of work for any sake is common. Many don’t question the meaning behind it. I think market fundamentalists have done a lot of harm to this country. My mental health is very important to me.