In 2015 I had enough with life. I took an overdose and tried to drown myself. It was after that point I had ECT in hospital. For many years after I felt guilty I couldn’t work. I still bump into people today that seemed to want me to feel guilty for that.
For a long time I thought perhaps I was lazy and that’s why I struggled with work. All the medications over the years had made me gain weight so to some people it looked that way. In 2016 I got into running and lost 35KG.
I tried a lot of volunteering in 2016-20. I ran several marathons in 2019 and completed a PGCert online in 2019-20. Developed an app in 2021. I then realised my challenges weren’t laziness but that they were social ones. I wasn’t accepted in many spaces. I was diagnosed Autistic.
In recent years the ghost of not working still haunts me. Though the idea of taking my own life has mostly departed. A new one came where I would rather be killed by the state. I didn’t want to die though felt I should be a sacrifice for the anger many people feel over this.
I soon realised that Jesus died for the sins of Humankind. Once I understood why he died the more I started to make sense of why people do what they do. I don’t want to die at the hands of others. I want to live in peace. The Bible has helped me take refuge with such struggles.